Since you all are flaccid eunuchs who get turned on by your mother’s pink gingham dress, you got your sorry ass rejected and then resorted to sucking your best friend’s great grandmother’s cock so you could talk to your frat broes about your awesome sex life.

oh wait.

She doesn’t have a cock, but she’s still MORE MASCULINE THAN YOU WHEN YOU WERE ON STEROIDS.

1. First and foremost, you didn’t tell her that she best make you a sammich before you give her anything.

The worst mistake guys make is being predictable.  On V-day, you probably gave her chocolate and the ho ran off and stuffed her face with it while screwing your frat bro.

A simple “Woman, go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!!!!” should suffice.  If she bitches about it, then drop her like a rock, unless you have a thing for dominatrices who don’t make you fucking sandwiches.

…She probably had syphilis, anyway.

2.  You probably bought her lingerie

Whenever you buy a chick  lingerie, you’re telling her “Hay baby, possibly if you’re in the mood for it, maybe we could have some All-Amurrkin fun!”  This is also a big no-no.  You probably also paid about $350 bucks for her strawberry cheesecake cheese steak that you damn well known could have been bought from the local college grocery store.  What you have to do is stick in in her pooper (preferably when she’s in the kitchen making your ham on rye sandwich).

This is sticking: →

This is pooper: ε

This is sticking in pooper:  → ε

enough said.

3. She probably found out about your other girlfriend on the side

Can’t help you out with that one.  If you were stupid enough to get caught cheating then you’re worth the five points when she finds out and probably runs you over when you’re in the STD treatment facility parking lot.

Bonuses for the girlfriend if she’s able to drive well enough to actually hit you:

• +5 points for every extra girl on the side if you had more than two and she found out about it
• +10^(number of girls) pointsif they all pack into one car to run you over
• +10points if they hit a deer
• +10 points if they use a mini

4. You are ugly or have a small penis

Just kill yourself now, while you’re ahead.

+9000 points if you do it in an epic fashion

5.  You took her on a date at your place

Please refer to the solution to problem 4 and the definition of 20 year old virgin (below).

20 year old virgin

Noun.

1. The guy who lives in his mother’s basement and spends all of his time playing World of Warcraft.
2. Ann Coulter (as her vagina has both teeth and a self contained black hole)
3. You.
4. Anybody who spends more than three hours a week watching Adult Swim
5. Math Majors

Alternatively, you could remedy all of these problems by getting a job in the Gay Porn industry.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Fuckers.

XOXOXOXO Jess